


Our Stupid Fucks

by TheNymphNagisa



Category: A Song of Ice and Fire - George R. R. Martin, Game of Thrones (TV)
Genre: Anal Sex, Angry Sex, Arguing, Ass Play, BDSM, Consensual Sex, Consensual Thramsay, Fluff and Crack, Funny Thramsay, I love Alfie and Iwan ok, If you think this has a happy ending...well it has, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Kinky, M/M, Minor Renly Baratheon/Loras Tyrell, Oral Sex, Past Ros/Theon Greyjoy, Past Theon Greyjoy/Robb Stark, Poor Roose Bolton, Poor Theon, Ramsay is His Own Warning, Ramsay is ok, Rape Kink, Semi-Public Sex, Sexual Roleplay, Sub Theon Greyjoy, Theon is a slut xD, dumbass, i love them, those two idiots
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-20
Updated: 2020-05-01
Packaged: 2020-12-24 19:26:50
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 8,202
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21104747
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheNymphNagisa/pseuds/TheNymphNagisa
Summary: I love these two idiots, and I love consensual BDSM and roleplay, and as a result I love imagining these two in a consensual relationship, as romantic lovers and stupid bestfriends. And seriously, their duo would turn everyone crazy !So here you go, beautiful fandom, a collection full of funny Thramsay OS, and all their stupid fucks (there will be filthy OS, very detailed, and some of them will also be very soft, that's why it's rated E)."And they lived happily ever after..."Chap 7-"I know a lot of people out there, like you reader, probably wonders what it is like, to be Ramsay or Theon. What is there, in their sick minds ? Well I don't have any answer for you, because I'm just a bed." Or a stupid OS, Modern Au, crack, from Ramsay's bed POV.Chapter eight : Ramsay and Theon are sick, but if you think that would stop them from fucking, you're wrong.I'm sad to declare that this fanfic is over ! It was awesome to write it, thank you all for all the love !!!





	1. Home Sweet Home

From : Roose Bolton  
To : Balon Greyjoy  
No object

Good morning, Balon. 

We need to discuss certain things urgently. It has something to do with our sons. I think that, not only they are having sex regularly, but they are also a little too much obssessed with each other. Well, Ramsay is anyway. They are in a romantic relationship as well, I believe.  
When I said we needed to cooperate against the Starks, I was not imagining that, although it can be a way to reach our enemy more easily. Theon is quite close to the Stark boy, I only need to make my son jealous if he isn't already, and soon, all of these stupid wolves will be dead. We will be free to run the market as we wish. You know how Ramsay is, it will work. It could be of real use this time. In the end, this thing they have rather is a good surprise. 

Call me whenever you can, 

Goodbye.  
Roose Bolton. 

XxX

Baby Theon. 11:00. Ramsay.  
Baby Theon. 11:01. Omg. Ram. Ram !!  
Baby Theon. 11:01. Im in trouble !!!  
Baby Theon. 11:02. U have to help me. Please. i dunno what to do. 

<3Ramsay. 11:05. Theon, calm down. You know I'll do. What happened ? 

Baby Theon. 11:06. He knows about us Ram my dad knows im with a man!! i dunno how but he knows and he kicked me out i dont have a house anymore and he prevented me from TAKING ALL OF MY CLOTHES WITH ME I ONLY HAVE FIVE DIFFERENT OUTFITS AND A BIT OF LINGERY ITS KILLING ME RN

<3Ramsay. 11:08. Don't be a drama queen we'll collect your other clothes later, dumbass. What you really need is a house right now, don't you ? Don't go to your stupid Robb, come to my house. 

Baby Theon. 11:11. Ur mansion u mean

<3Ramsay. 11:11. We don't care if it's a house or a mansion, Theon, you need a home. I'll wait for you. 

Baby Theon. 11:12. but your dads ok with that ? 

<3Ramsay. 11:13. He will, he doesn't have the choice. 

XxX

From: Roose Bolton  
To: Balon Greyjoy  
No object. 

I know you were not brilliant, Balon, but your foolishness without any limit is really disappointing. I thought we had a deal, and you decided to listen to your stupid homophobia rather than your reason, rather than me. I could have helped with our Stark problem, but from now on, you are my enemy too. Manipulating Ramsay and your son is quite easy, you will soon be dead, and the wolves with you.  
You have raised Theon well by the way, I do not understand why you kicked him out really. He is so grateful he would do anything to make me happy with his presence. I am quite pleased with that. He obeys me. I think he might fear me. Well, you should be afraid, and he should not. You know, Ramsay is still mad at you. You hurt his precious boyfriend...

Have a nice day.  
Roose Bolton. 

XxX

"Good morning, Ramsay. You are already awake..." 

Ramsay usually prefered to get up late, lazy as he was. Surprisingly, he had already finished making breakfast, and was eating greasy bacon messily, with his fingers, which were already glowing with fat. What a disguting sight he created, and those chewing sounds annoyed Roose already. Bad blood, bad manners, of course. Still, the breakfast was actually a welcomed gesture. Since Theon lived here, his son has changed for the better, and his father found it rather pleasing. 

"Hello, father."

However, something was wrong. Someone was missing. And that someone was usually the one cooking breakfast for them. 

"Where is Theon ?" Roose asked, suspicious. 

"Oh, still sleeping. I kept him awake all night, he is too tired to get up. I will bring him some eggs later."

Ah yes, that. They had fucked during a very long time yesterday, and Roose surely had heard Theon screaming his own son's name when he was reading in his private library, peacefully. He had to move into his bedroom in order to find some quietness, and before the walls begin to shake because of their mess.  
Rolling his eyes, he sat in front of his son, legs under the long, crimson tablecloth, still perplexed. No matter how tired he was, Theon always tried to be polite; always awake early, always making breakfast, always looking polished and smelling parfume. Besides, there was something off with Ramsay's grin. 

"Are you sure he is feeling well, Ramsay ? It is the first time since he was here that he-"

"Hm he's fine, dad, I only fuuucked him hard, very hard."

"Watch your tongue, Ramsay." Roose warned. 

He decided to be quiet, not wanting the discussion to go on and to hear anything else from his son, who looked very satisfied with his idiocies.  
Perhaps he should have left him with his mother, instead of accepting him as his son. 

"Try the bacon. He is as deliciouuus as Theon. You know, last night, he did something amazing with his t-"

"Don't make me repeat myself, Ramsay. I don't want to hear about it, is it understood, or do you need me to make you understand ?" 

The cold tone made Ramsay shut up, and his smile slowly faded, his lips disappearing behind his white, sharp teeth, sinking into the pink flesh of his mouth. Ramsay would find something to piss him off later, but for now, he only felt, without any doubt, intimidated. Too intimidated to talk about his penis in Theon again, or about Theon's tongue doing something incredible. And if he dared to open his mouth one more time, he will just have to suffer the consequences. Maybe he should just take Theon away from him for a day or two, sending the boy to his sister or to a friend, even this stupid Robb Stark. Roose was well aware Theon would obey him anyway, he would not want to lose a home for the second time in one week. 

A groan almost made Roose jump, who was to focused on his new idea for Ramsay's future punishment, although he didn't actually jump, because he always kept his composure. A second groan followed shortly, and Roose raised an eyebrow, confused by the way his stupid son looked. His eyes were shut, and he kept on grunting, as if he had inadvertently hit the chair with his toes. For a moment, Roose really thought Ramsay was suffering, but a particular sigh that couldn't be mistaken for anything but a sigh of pleasure proved him wrong. He immediatly began to believe that his son was fooling around, trying to make him angry or to mock him. 

"Ramsay what are you doing ? Are you alright ?"

A hint of threat floated in his words. He could as well have commanded him to stop this joke, it would have been the same thing. 

"But father, he is sooo good..."

"Are you out of your mind, boy ? Make him stop right now. Or I punish you both, and you won't like it, Ramsay..."

Of course they would do something like that someday. They were both sick, as crazy as the other, and there was actually nothing Roose could do to make them stop. Indeed, Ramsay has acted so much better since Theon was in his life that Roose prefered it this way. He could not prevent them from seeing each other, or else his son will be worse than Satan. Besides, he still needed them for his plan with the Starks. At least, Walda was hopefully at her father this week-end, and she didn't see this horrible scene. 

"Come on baby, daddy wants to see you." Ramsay said, a sinister smile on his face, his mocking tone almost unbearable. 

Theon emerged from under the table, like a mermaid from the sea, his auburn hair wet from his recent shower, water running down his spine, stark naked, his chest still tanned by the sun, looking perfect, like a marble statue. He seemed proud, his big, lagoon green eyes turning toward Roose. 

"You are disgusting, both of you. You will stay in your bedroom today, and I don't want to see anything like that again. You are lucky Walda was not here, you could have killed her."

If Ramsay only chuckled at that, Theon had the decency to blush. 

"I am really sorry, Mr. Bolton, I won't do it again", he apologied, almost bowing. "It was your son's idea. Please, don't kick me out." 

"Theon, you slut !! You accepted right away ! We just wanted to actually do it before dad-"

"In your room. Both of you. Now. I don't want to hear about it." Roose warned, his voice low and menacing.

Theon stood-up before Ramsay, who slapped his round bottom as soon as he could, taking great pleasure in his revenge. 

"Yes, that's it, in our room, so I can punish you for your bad words, bitch."

Roose sighed, watching them climbing the stairs clumsily, Ramsay trying to put his hands everywhere on Theon's body, touching his skin whenever he could. They were going to make him crazy. 

XxX

From: Roose Bolton  
To: Walda Bolton  
Ramsay and Theon

Good evening my dear,  
I hope your are doing well. I had a little problem this morning. Theon was blowing Ramsay under the table during breakfast, it was absolutely disgusting. Maybe I shouldn't have "adopted" Theon...

Goodbye.  
Roose.

XxX

From: Walda Bolton  
To: Roose Bolton  
RE: Ramsay and Theon

Hello darling !  
I'm having a great time really ! My sister is jealous I get to live with Theon Greyjoy in my house ! I must say that he is indeed charming; I personaly am very happy with the adoption, as you called it. I will tell you everything tomorrow I promise ! Have a good night, honey, and please don't be so serious. They are young and dumb, that's all, this is harmless for once. You shouldn't regret anything ! You should laugh !  
I love you! See you tomorrow ! 

xoxo  
Your Walda. 

XxX

Ramsay. 17:54. Guys ! Something hilarious happened today ! 

Damon. 18:01. what happened rams ? 

Ramsay. 18:02. Theon sucked my dick under the table while my dad was eating breakfast it was priceless !!! 

Skinner. 18:09. OMG XD 

Ben.18:10. Congratulations ? 

Alyn. 18:13. YOURE A FUCKING CHAMPION RAMSAY SHOW HIM WHOS THE REAL DADDY XD

XxX

Theon. 18:40. Robb, Yara... I hate my life...


	2. Not So Sexy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Explicit. If you ever wondered what were Theon and Ramsay daily discussions while having sex, the answer is right here.

"Theon ?"

"Hnff aah what ?"

"What time is it ?"

"What the fuck is wrong - aaaah- with youu Ramsay ? I'm bend over the counter, trying to make you a daamn sandwish with your cock up my arse, and you fuuucking ask me what time is it, goooood !"

"Yes ! There's an horror film I want to watch this evening and...hmm do you know how beautiful you are when you moan like that ?"

"I don't like horror films, you prick, you know iiit ! Hnn ! And I won't watch any film with you anymore !"

"What ? Why not ?"

"Don't sound so offended, I'm just fed up of hearring you complaining about the lack of realism or about the film being boring !!" 

"I'm just saying the truth, it's not my fault if they don't know how to flay som-"

"That's not a reason for falling asleep in the middle of the film and snoring in MY ears ! Fuck !! Oooh Ram !"

"Oh shut up, stupid slut !"

"Go fuck yourself aa aah handsome asshole !"

"I can't ! My dick is pounding your loose hole !"

"No joookes ! Han ! Oh yees, harder, Ram, pleaaase !"

"I know you'd ask, hnf."

"DROWNED GOD, fuck, oh yes yes, Daddy !"

"Louder." 

"AH DADDY DADDY!"

"You tried to make me angry just so I'd fuck you harder, didn't you, insolent baby ? Well guess what ? It didn't work. I just want to hear you scream."

"Shit ! Don't be stupid ! I was just being honest ! Crazy fuck, HAN!"

"You'll be punished later, anyway !"

"Your bloody hot dog is ready daddy !! Hnnn !"

"Hm I love when you whine, bitch."

"Take the fucking hot dog !"

"Shut your mouth ! Ima eat it on your back."

"Won't be the fiiirst time, daddy..."

"Theon baby, you'll be punished twice."

"Hnf aah, oh nooo, what a terriiible thing ! AAH !"

"Hm you really are a whore."

"I know ! Hn !! Fuuck ! Ram ??"

"Whaaat ?"

"Do we need carrots ?"

"What are you talking about Theon ??"

"I am going to the grocery store tomorrow, so I was wondering if there were still-"

"Since I'm not a rabbit, no, we don't need your fucking carrots!"

"Hnnn aah but Ram, I love carrooots !"

"So buy them instead of asking those ridiculous questions while we have sex ! I am not a vegetarian, I want meat !"

"Is there a problem with me being a vegetarian now ?"

"No baby, as long as you stop sulking and talking about it right now ! And buy me meat tomorrow alright ?"

"Han hnf, but daddy you need to eat vegetables too, you kn-HMM HMM !"

"Why in the hell I've got such a talkative husband !"

"You aaah fucking proposed !!! AH why does it feel so good Raaam ?"

"Cause I know how to fuck you baby ! Now shut up and scream slut ! Yes that's it, fuck, Theon, baby, I love you !"

"Ram RAM RAM RAM !!!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Is that me or does it get worse ? xD Hope you enjoy it !!  
Remember,kudos and comments are my favorite food !


	3. Dickjoy and Ram me Bolton

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Theon, Ramsay and their friends are having a really dumb and funny discussion on facebook, when the two idiots decide to meet and fuck in the middle of it all. (ModernAU) (rated M)

Theon Dickjoy. im bored guys. 

RobbieWolvesfucker: What do you want us to do, Theon ? 

Jonyboythecocksucker: You could find other nicknames for everyone... 

Theon Dickjoy: my nicknames are already perfect !!

Ram me Bolton: I like mine. 

Theon Dickjoy: thank YOU !! 

Yara Killjoy: Why am I still in this messenger discussion ?

Theon Dickjoy: because everytime i organize a party, you re here and fuck my girlfriends, bitch

Yara Killjoy: Ros was the best. Gingers are sexy. 

RobbieWolvesfucker: Is that a family thing ? 

Theon Dickjoy: im a ginger fucker...

Ram me Bolton: I like gingers. 

RobbieWolvesfucker: Do. Not. Touch. My. Sister. 

Ram me Bolton: As long as I can have HIM, I won't, Stark. 

Jonyboythecocksucker: We all know that you like gingers Ramsay. If the way you were fucking Theon last night was any indication

RobbieWolvesfucker: Yeah...

Ram me Bolton: Oh shut up bastard. 

Theon Dickjoy: shut up or i carve the word cockblocked into your forehead. 

Ram me Bolton: I was about to say something like that !

Theon Dickjoy: i know. and i was about to say bastard too ;)

Ram me Bolton: Ahah...

Theon Dickjoy: we are like so connected dude ! 

Ram me Bolton: Maybe it's because of the little brain piece I stole from your head and ate yesterday.

Theon Dickjoy: ahah very funny Ramsay. <3  
Theon Dickjoy: because the only thing you will ever eat from me is my dick !!

Marge(ary) Simpson: Oh my god why am I still friend with you >< ! 

Lor-eat-ass: oh shut up dickjoy we all saw u, we know u R a cocksucker look at ur lips. 

RobbWolvesfucker: Yeah Theon...

Ram me Bolton: I didn't have to say anything...

Sansa (I love you): I should have known everything here would be about sex. 

Jonyboythecocksucker: I'm sorry for you Sansa

Renly for President: Theon and Ramsay fucking is one of the worst thing that could happen, but it was predictable. Daddy issues and fucked up minds, you know ;p

Ram me Bolton: Yes, we know, Renly. 

Theon Dickjoy: ren i really don t want to see you as a pair of boots.

Ram me Bolton: This is stupid Theon. I won't turn him into boots. I already have beautiful boots. 

Sansa (I love you): All of you, be kind to Theon. It's really not easy to be him. 

Lor-eat-ass: XDDD LOL 

Theon Dickjoy: i know you meant to say something kind sansa so thx i guess...

Ram me Bolton: I am so proud of you Sansa. 

RobbieWolvesfucker: Do not touch her !! 

Ram me Bolton: I know Stark, alright !? You should be more concerned by Margeary or Yara touching your sister.

RobbieWolvesfucker: Right. Margeary Yara don't touch her. 

Marge(ary) Simpson: Robb...

Sansa (I love you): I can do whatever I want !

Yara Killjoy: If I ever fuck her you won't know Stark !

Theon Dickjoy: im still bored and i dont want to hear about my sister fucking my bestfriend

Lor-eat-ass: i thought i was ur bf !!

RobbieWolvesfucker: Uh, it's me, isn't it ?

Theon Dickjoy: i have multiple best friends god ! shut up and entertain me !

Sansa (I love you) : Yes darling how could we entertain you? 

Ram me Bolton: I could but my father wants me to stay at home. 

Theon Dickjoy : what a pity

Yara Killjoy : And our father wants Theon to stay home too. 

Theon Dickjoy : oh shut up Yayaaa

Renly for President : I've got an idea. Marry. Fuck. Kill. Ramsay. Loras. Jon. 

Theon Dickjoy : ouh interesting. Marry Ram fuck Loras kill Jon. its easy. 

Renly for President : Harder then. Robb, Ramsay, Ros. 

Theon Dickjoy : you re horrible. marry Robb fuck Ramsay kill Ros. 

Ros(e) Not a Tyrell : that's not fair Theon. Robb never was your boyfriend. 

Theon Dickjoy : you were here ! :0 sorry ros ! but Ramsay is a real beast in bed and Robb would be the ideal husband. 

Ram me Bolton : So you wouldn't marry your boyfriend ? 

Theon Dickjoy : i d prefer to be married to Robb but being in love with you.

Sansa (I love you): Aww this is so cute <3 . 

Yara Killjoy : Not really...

Sansa (I love you): Well lemon cakes and Margeary are way cuter but...

Ram me Bolton: Thank you Theon... 

Marge(eary) Simpson : I come after the lemon cakes --"...

Lor-eat-ass : oh even harder theon : roose tywin walder 

Theon Dickjoy: easy Loras. Tywin is rich: marry Roose is fucking sexy: fuck walder is terrible : kill 

Ram me Bolton : Don't mind me. I am only going to kill my dad. 

Jonyboythecocksucker : Disgusting. 

Marge(ary) Simpson Oh my God poor Ram ! Ahah ! XD

Ros(e) Not a Tyrell: I've got one here Theon ;) Balon Euron Yara. 

Theon Dickjoy : you re the worst ! Ros I can t ! 

Marge(ary) Simpson: It's just a game. Come on ! :D

Yara Killjoy : Yuck.

Theon Dickjoy: id kill dad for sure. marry yara cause she d be horrible in a white dress and fuck my uncle cause i don t really know him and he s not that ugly 

Yara Killjoy : You're a prick. 

Sansa (I love you): Who has any other ideas ? I love this game ! 

RobbieWolvesfucker : I am not sure. Do I like it or hate it ? 

Jonyboythecocksucker: I definitely hate it 

Theon Dickjoy: Snow ! Walder Allister or Joffrey ? 

Jonyboythecocksucker: It's not cool Theon. I would ignore them. 

Theon Dickjoy: i should have called you killjoy too.

Ram me Bolton : I would kill them all. 

RobbieWolvesfucker: You would kill everyone except Theon. 

Theon Dickjoy: Ram ! my dad s asleep i can come if you want ! 

Ram me Bolton: Perfect. Hurry up my father is watching Kitchen Nightmare ! 

Lor-eat-ass : did he name u Ramsay because he loves the show lol ? 

Renly for President: I think they aren't checking the messages anymore. 

Jonyboythecocksucker: What a jerk 

Sansa (I love you): Calm down Jon ! 

Theon Greyjoy named Jon Snow "Bastard". 

Bastard : Shit 

Marge(ary) Simpson: Ahahaha xD 

RobbieWolvesfucker: I've got a question about the homeworks in French classes ! 

Lor-eat-ass: well it was funnier with Theon and Ramsay....

Renly for President: Don't listen to him. What is it Robb ? 

Ramsay Bolton named Jon Snow "Big Bastard". 

Ros(e) Not a Tyrell: Ramsay, Theon, you are children... 

Sansa (I love you) : She is right. Besides it's cool not to read things about sex everywhere for once. 

Marge(ary) Simpson: Yes :p 

Yara Killjoy: Little fuckers. 

Ram me Bolton : You are just jealous because I will fuck the best ass ever. 

RobbieWolvesfucker: I will send you a text Renly ! Goodbye ! 

Theon Dickjoy: im here Ram open your door ! 

Lor-eat-ass: goodbye robb ! 

Marge(ary) Simpson: Goodbye !:) 

Ros(e) Not a Tyrell: Bye bye. 

Xxx

Theon Dickjoy: i don t feel my ass anymore ! 

Big Bastard : WE DO NOT CARE !!! 

Ram me Bolton: *evil face*

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So how was it ? Does this fic is really dumb ? Cool that's my goal. Next time, some kinky stuff hehehehe.


	4. Bad Cop

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Theon gets arrested by a bad, bad cop, but don't worry, everything is fine. TW: rape fantasy.

It was dark outside, but the sun had warmed the air this afternoon. Girls were wearing skirts in the bars, the illuminated areas hiding the stars in the black sky. Theon was smoking in an alley, waiting for his next client, or for time to pass and death to come, he did not really care anymore. He was rearranging his short leather skirt, when he heard someone else's steps behind him, and the metallic sound of a gun. His heart racing, he turned around to face the only other person present in the small street, a policeman with bright blue eyes, cold as ice. Theon gasped in panic. 

« Hello, officer. »  
« Good evening », answered the smaller man. 

There was a dangerous sparkle of glee in his iris, something wrong and twisted in his tone. A policeman was already a threat to him, but a crazy cop was even worse. 

“How can I help you ?” Theon asked, swallowing his fear.

Still approaching, the officer said with a concerned voice:

“It's getting late, too late for a young and beautiful lady like you.”

Theon clenched his jaw at the word, annoyed with the idea of being compared to a woman, but did not add anything. After all, he was actually wearing a skirt. 

“What are you doing here ?”

“I'm only waiting for my boyfriend. He is in the bar, I think we will go home soon.” Theon stuttered, his voice shaking. 

Only a few inches were separating their bodies, and the policeman breath smelled like cigarettes. He seemed dead serious.

“Hm of course and I am supposed to believe you ?”

Theon could read the badge pinned to his jacket. Ramsay Bolton. A pretty name for a beautiful man , he thought; but beauty could be terrifying. 

“W-why would I lie to you, Officer Bolton ?”  
“Maybe you don't want me to know who you really are ?” Ramsay asked, sounding a bit amused. 

His smirk was gone as soon as it has appeared. 

“Give me your wrists, you whore.”

At the feeling of the gun pressing on his hip, Theon felt the air leaving his lungs, and he cried out in fear. He could not be arrested without any evidence, right ? 

“Please, please, don't do that !”  
“Why darling ? It's just my job.”

Pushing him against the wall, the police officer handcuffed him, despite Theon's struggle. The metal felt so cold on his skin, so cold it was almost burning him. It was his end, he was going to jail, where people would fuck him to death, where the word liberty would not mean anything anymore. He would prefer death, he thought bitterly.  
“Look at that ass !” Ramsay shouted, definitely enjoying this arrestation, before smacking his round butt. 

Theon always had curves. He only used them in the streets for money, because his dad did not want him in his house anymore. The young boy suddenly wondered if his father would feel ashamed knowing his son was a prostitute, or if he would only be happy Theon was out of his life. 

“I'm begging you, I didn't do anything, it's unfair ! I'm just doing my job too ! 

Theon could only hear a chuckle before the officer's erection made its way under his skirt, pressing against his lace covered cheeks. 

“It. Is. Not. A. Job. Do you understand me ?” He retorted, his smile near Theon's ear. 

Theon knew how wrong it was. Perhaps the policeman was drunk, perhaps he was out of his mind, perhaps he wasn't even a cop. Anyway, the whole situation made him want to throw-up; and maybe he should do it on the officer's jacket; just to show him how disgusting he was. 

“Yes, sir ! I'm sorry !”  
“Yes, yes...”, Ramsay said, insensitive.  
“Please, I don't want to go to jail !”

The gun was still here, a silent threat but a threat nonetheless. Pull the trigger, kill, go on, we all know I deserved it. Oh come on Theon, you are tougher than this.

“So what should I do hm? Teach you a lesson and then let you go ?” He laughed.  
“I don't know... please... I'll do whatever you want.”

Theon regretted the words the second they came out of his big, stupid mouth. Why are you so dumb ?? You better wash your mouth out with soap !

“What I want ? Really ?”

The sound of his sneer was unbearable, but the big dick hardening against his hole was even worse. 

“Yes ?” He answered softly despite his fear, his cheeks blushing. 

He could do it, it was not any different from his job. He fucked with far worse men: Officer Bolton was at least good-looking, and if it was the only thing he could do for his freedom, then, be it. 

“Well, I want to teach you a lesson. The hard way.”  
“You want to fuck me, right ? If it means that I am free, yes, ok, fuck me like you want, officer...”

It's only part of the work, Theon, everything will be fine. 

“We will see for the freedom thing, but for now, I am going to fuck you, bitch.” Ramsay replied. 

I am not a bitch, Theon wanted to say, but he knew it wasn't a clever idea. He needed to shut his mouth for once. 

“Yes, officer Bolton. Please have a go.”

Officer Bolton was not the kind of man to take his time, Theon noted. He surely felt it anyway. The policeman took his dick out, rip his panty off, and he was already up his arse, without further preparation or any warning. 

“OH SHIT”.  
“Hnnn perfect.”  
“O-officer Bolton what should I scream for you ?”  
“Officer Bolton is fine.” He answered, his grin never faltering. 

Ramsay did not want to be delicate. He seemed to be the type for more brutal fucks. Theon could feel his hands everywhere and was almost sure blood was running down his legs, where his nails were scratching his skin. 

“So,” Ramsay said, going faster. “How do you feel, being fucked like you deserve, bitch ?”

Theon did not answer anything. He whined and whined again, but he won't give him the satisfaction of his deseperate words. He should have known Bolton would notice and be very displeased. 

“Answer me, you whore !”  
“Ah !! What I am supposed to say, Officer Bolton ? That I feel like a slut ? That's my job I'm used to it ! B-but I have to say, you're quite good at it.” He sobbed already ashamed of how his body liked it. 

Your body reacts like this, Theon, you know that, it has nothing to do with him. 

“I know !” Ramsay laughed. “And at least you're a good whore. Everybody's happy.”

That's it. Please him.

Theon let a wanton moan escape his lips, and was soon panting loudly. 

“Does that mean I won't go to jail ?”  
“We will see about that when you make me come, alright ??”

Theon felt Ramsay's hot breath on his neck; he was sniffing him like a damn dog. His teeth sank in his flesh, biting savagely the thin tissue here. A thick, hot, crimson liquid, was tainting the officer's lips. He wasn't only brutal; he was fucking him like an animal. 

“I'm begging you, please”, he moaned, on the verge of crying. “I won't go to jail.”  
“I understood the first time, slut.”

Theon could not supress the scream that wanted to escape him, all of it being a little too arousing. He liked danger, he liked it rought, and Ramsay definitely had a way with words. Besides, he knew how to fuck him. 

“And you like that bitch, eh ?”  
“It's so good, it's unfair.Oh officer are you going to come ?”

Because Theon was close, and Ramsay began to groan in his ear, like a big wolf. Was he experimented before ? Was he a novice ? Was he a natural ? Theon would surely never know, but it did not really matter now: he only wanted to climax. 

“God yes, I- hnnnf ! Think so, baby !”

Where was the gun ? Oh right, it wasn't there, it never was in the first place, they were just playing, it was just a game. 

“Oh RAM shit ! The lamp is going to fall ! Fuck, officer, please, say my name !”

Ramsay did not seem to care, only increasing the pace of his back and forth. The small lamp did fall then, breaking on the floor of their bedroom in a thundering sound. Like a bullet through a window. 

“What is your name, slut ?” He asked, grinning.  
“Thea on the streets, but my real name is Theon, you twat ! Look at what you've done to my desk lamp !”  
“I could pay you another one baby!” Ramsay retorted in a serious voice. “Now make me come, Theon, make me come, little whore !”

Theon knew how to make his husband come. Gripping the desk with his hands, he tightened his ass, moaning Ramsay's name. In their messy bedroom or in the streets, it would always be the same. They only needed a little imagination, and they could not resist to each other. Theon actually came first, but his hole was soon filled with Ramsay's seed. 

It was, as always, a very good night. 

“Ram; before we go to sleep, I just wanna say. You know I am not really a whore, right ?”  
“...I am still not convinced...”  
“Fuck you asshole !”

Well, yes, that was a very good night, for Ramsay and Theon, at least.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sooo this is it...I am sorry for taking so long, but I am very sick. Thx for waiting. I love you all.


	5. Insert a Blank.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Theon. Can we insert almost any object that we'd like into somebody's ass ?"

"Theon, can we insert almost any object that we'd like into somebody's ass ?"

Theon gagged on his cup, tea which was a little too hot rolling down his chin, burning his skin. Even when Ramsay didn't try to hurt him, he did. The man really was good at being evil, very good, to good without any doubt; if Theon's damaged body constituted any proof. Well, he did actually say yes to every twisted thing Ramsay had in mind: however, it was a very different topic: it wasn't Theon's fault if his boyfriend was sick. 

"Why are you asking me this ?"  
"Just answer the question, pet."

The taller one rolled his eyeballs, sighing, already exhausted by this discussion. He tried to really think about it, even if he was more interested in the pain he felt because of the burning tea, licking slowly his lower lip and his chin to soothe it. 

"I think that yes, we can, IF it's not too big ? I really don't know why you asked me that, everybody would answer that, wouldn't they ? You don't need to be fucking Einstein."  
"Yes that's true, and your answer is correct", Ramsay said with a blank face. "And... would you do it ?"

Theon frowned, hiding his tongue behind a wall of teeth and lips. He wasn't really sure what this question meant, as always, when it came to Ramsay's questions. 

"Sorry what would I do again ?", he asked, drinking slowly. 

"Would you like to try this ?"  
"Try what ?", Theon laughed, unsure and confused."Try to insert a random object in somebody's ass ?"

Maybe it sounded very dumb, said like that, but Theon really hoped Ramsay wasn't talking about what he thought he was actually talking about in the first place. 

"Would you like me to insert something in you ?"

Theon gagged again on the cup, cursing him in his mind, and blushing because of his cough as well as his embarrassment. 

"When you present it that way, with your face looking so serious, it sounds like a surgical operation. Or maybe it's just a quote from an horror film... should I be scared ? Will you sink a knife in my belly ? Is that what you mean ?"

Theon giggled hesitantely, trying to keep cool in spite of the red spots on his cheeks which were growing progressively. 

"I mean sexually speaking, Theon, don't you play at being a complete fool with me. It won't take and it's annoying.", Ramsay sighed, not enjoying at all the way Theon was behaving.  
"I am the fool ! Am I ? Really ? Who is talking about fucking me with any object he'd like ?!"

Ramsay chuckled, this reaction was better. He liked it when Theon seemed a little bit offended by his ideas. Anyway, Theon would always accept, because he was actually as sick, if not sicker, as him. After all, HE was the one getting hurt and enjoying it, wasn't he ? 

"What is it Theon ? are you a blushing virgin now ? I would be flattered to make you feel like one, but it must be humiliating for a man of your reputation..."  
"Oh shut up Ram !", Theon shouted, his face bright red. "Of course I am ok with this idea, I'm just not sure if I am ok with the idea of doing it with you !"

This time, Theon's boyfriend seemed terribly outraged by those words. How could this little piece of shit, this beautiful and sweet little piece of shit, could say that ?? Ramsay was his lover, he was supposed to trust him, or to to be ready when it came to them being together. Realising his mistake, Theon bit his lips, even more ashamed of himself. 

"Oh no Ram, please don't look at me like that, it's not what I meant !"  
"What did you mean then, if you didn't want to insult me ?" Ramsay asked, cold as a dead body.

Theon began to stutter, still flushing.

"I-i meant...you have weird ideas sometimes and I don't r-really want to say yes to something I maybe don't wanna find up my ass. I can't just say yes right away like that ! ...Do you...d do you understand ? Please, Ram, I am sorry."

Ramsay grunted, shooking his head.Theon's heartbeat indicated how nervous he felt, and he gulped down his tea, instead of swallowing his own saliva in an attempt to make his mouth less dry. 

"I understand", his boyfriend finally said, sighing one more time. "But that doesn't mean we can't do it, right ?"

The taller one nodded quickly, wanting to please his lover, and especially wishing this discussion will be over. 

"Good. That's marvelous. Tonight, when you'll be back from your evening with...uh...the young wolf, we can try a few objects ! And you'll tell me if it pleases you or not ! Isn't it a great idea ?"  
"Yes Ram, it is !"

Theon finally relaxed, even if he wasn't thrilled by this idea, because at least, Ramsay forgave him and found a solution by doing concessions. Besides it meant he had an understanding boyfriend, and he should be grateful for that. At the end maybe he would even like it- he was always surprised by Ramsay. Maybe. And if not, well, they won't have to do it ever again, and that was all. 

"Thank you !" he added, offering him a bright smile.  
"No need to thank me, baby. Now, go and see your Robb", he said, the disgust in his voice clearly audible,"and have fun. I've got a lot to do for when you come back. And we will do things he will never be able to do with you, things he would never even consider possible."  
"Oh quit it, Ramsay. You don't need to be so jealous of Robb, of course I won't do anything like that with my bro."

Ramsay didn't seem convinced at all, raising an eyebrow and looking perplex. 

"Of course, yes. Come on now, or you'll be late."

Theon snorted, putting on his coat. It was the first time Ramsay seemed so eager to let him meet Robb, and it was only because he was looking forward for their night together. 

"You know sometimes you really are a dumbass, you psycho", Theon mocked him, laughing.  
"That's not a way to speak to your daddy, is it ?" Ramsay asked, slapping his right ass cheek.  
"Oops", Theon giggled, opening the front door. "See you later daddy. You will punish me then !"

He winked and left his lover there.

XXX

"Good evening Robb, thank you for driving me home !"

His friend smiled before he waved at him, and then his car disappeared in the black of night. Theon's warm breath created lovely clouds in front of his mouth, and he wished he could stay here all night, instead of confronting Ramsay; so he reached his pocket to find a cigarette. However, his boyfriend opened the front door before he could light it up. The sick bastard was of course spying on him. 

"Baby ! I can't wait to show you what I've in store for ya !"

Theon, resigned, followed him into their house, and was then lead into their bedroom, holding Ramsay's hand. 

"Don't open your eyes until I say so ! I wouldn't want my surprise to be ruined !" 

He was almost as excited as a little child wanting to show his parents his good grades, or his amazing new drawing. Did Ramsay give a lot of drawings when Ramsay was younger ? It must have been funny, being offered a lovely bloody corpse drawn on a red painted paper. 

"Open your eyes darling !"

Well in that case, the child's drawing represented knifes full of blood and headless bodies, or a creepy imaginary friend with glowing eyes. And then, the kid would tell you that this exact same friend was right behind you, and you would scream. That's exactly how Theon felt at the moment, even if he only internally screamed. 

"So what do you think, baby ? You look...speecheless."  
"No shit Sherlock ! It's even worse than what I imagined."

He couldn't take his eyes out of it. Real knifes and dildos of different sizes, firearms, bottles, a crop, a fucking doll, and what looked like a big bone.

"Do I have to try all of these items ??"  
"Yes of course, sweetling."

Oh boi. It was a real nightmare. If you even exist, dear Drowned God, you really hate me; bastard.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love crack.


	6. Here we go again

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ramsay wants to eat. Theon wants to sleep. But you can't always get what you want, right ? Well try to tell that to Ramsay fucking Bolton and his cock.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello there, I am back ! How are you ?  
Here is another dialogue between our favorite idiots !  
Stay safe and have a good day !

"Babe ? Are you sleeping ?"  
"Hmmm..."  
"Theon ? I don't want to sleep anymore. M'not tired."  
"Ram, you sound like a fucking child. Let me sleep."  
"But baby, come on."  
"It's six in the morning. I AM tired."  
"... ... Theon ?"  
"Hm ?"  
"Please, I'm hungry. I need breakfast."  
"Fuck, Ramsay, just get up and have breakfast, ALONE, far away from me while I sleep."  
"I don't want to. I want you to cook it and to stay with me."  
"Shut.Up. I won't get up. You're a bloody baby. I swear, the next time you call me a child I will humiliate you and make you remember this..."  
"Pleaaaase Theon. I...I'll fuck you tonight ? I'll even use the knife if you wanna."  
"You'll fuck me anyway, dickhead !"  
"Hm...I'll... buy you ice creams."  
"I don't care about ice creams right now. The only thing I want is to sleep. Can you give me that ?"  
"No."  
"oh god...m'gonna kill you..."  
"You what ?"  
"Nothing ! Go to sleep. AH ! Ramsay what are you doing ??"  
"M' tryin' to wake you up."  
"I'm already awake, thanks to you, so let go of my dick !"  
"No."  
"Please Ram, just let me hnn sleep !"  
"You don't seem so eager to sleep anymore, babe."  
"But I want to ! And I don't want YOU at the moment, so PLEASE, leave me alone."  
"Theon...you're blushing."  
"YES I am ashamed to be your boyfriend ! Hn ! Stop iiit !"  
"Oh I won't. You like it too much."  
"Shut up."  
"You're a little slut Theon, you can't even control it. I should punish you for this morning. Awww, listen ! You're moaning like a bitch."  
"But Ram ! AH ! No no no no don't-shit, YES, here !"  
"See I was right. You like it so much, baby."  
"Alright, I like my boyfriend's fingers up my arse, big deal ! So just fuck me already and fucking shut up !"  
"Aw Theon you're too cute when you're embarrassed..but I won't let your insolence go unpunished."  
"I already wanna kill you, don't make me do it, Ram."  
"You're incapable of doing so. You can't kill anyone."  
"Hn. SHUT UP!"  
"Are you telling me what to do AGAIN, whore ?"  
"Hnn I am sorry, aaah yes, this is so good ! You're a dick Ram !"  
"You want it, don't you ?"  
"Aaah what ?"  
"My dick."  
"YES please !"  
"Hm good. You're gonna eat it first, and then, if you're docile and kindly go and cook me some breakfast, you'll be allowed to fuck yourself on it."  
"Whaaat ? But Ram, this is unfair ! I've been good, you're the one being a tease for once !"  
"No? You're just weak and you can't resist me. Little bitch. Now open your mouth."  
"No."  
"Open."  
"Make me do it then !"  
"Last warning, Theon. Open it."  
"I hate you..."  
"Hm good boy. That's it. I love you."

XXX

"Are you happy now ??"  
"Yes, thanks, the bacon was perfect."  
"So are you going to fuck me now ?"  
"Hmm...no... I ate so much I can barely move. I think I'll go back to sleep."  
"You're kidding, right ? Tell me you're joking Ram."  
"No, not at all. I feel so tired ! And I didn't swear it, anyway."  
"Even if you'd have done it, you wouldn't fuck me, because you're a fucking liar who likes to see people in pain and I fucking hate you !!"  
"Oh I don't believe you love. M' going to bed, do you wanna follow me ? I know how much you wanted to sleep."  
"Yes yes. I'll follow you, alright. And if I don't fucking murder you in bed, be grateful."  
"Oooh, what a cruel thing to s-hmmmm."  
"Hm you should shut up right now."  
"YOU shut up and kiss me again."  
"I really don't want to, but if you insist. I am generous after all."  
"Hmm Theon, I love you so much."  
"Show me. Show me how much you love me. Let me fuck myself on your stupid cock !"  
"Hn ok ok, babe. You're lucky you're so pretty."  
"And you're lucky I didn't rip your fucking face appart."  
"Oh and if you'd ask people they'd tell you I'm the psycho !"  
"You. Are. Dumbass."  
"Hnf...maybe you're right..."  
"I am. I'm always right. Now Ram. Undress !"


	7. Bed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I know a lot of people out there, like you reader, probably wonders what it is like, to be Ramsay or Theon. What is there, in their sick minds ? Well I don't have any answer for you, because I'm just a bed." Or a stupid OS, Modern Au, crack, from Ramsay's bed POV.

I know a lot of people out there, like you reader, probably wonders what it is like, to be Ramsay or Theon. What is there, in their sick minds ? How does it feel, wanting your dad's approval ? What is it like, searching for something you'll never have ? What can be the thoughts of a fucking psycho like Ramsay, or of a dumb slut like Theon ? 

Well I don't have any answer for you, because I'm just a bed. How would I fucking know ? Human's brain is such a complicated thing, even if the brain is in good health ! How could I possibly tell you anything, when their brains are so SICK ? 

But. I could tell you what it is like, to be Ramsay's bed. And I can assure you, it's one hell of a life. 

I'm sure you've guessed that Ramsay wasn't an obedient child: he was tireless, merciless and brutal. He started to enjoy hunting early, knocking little animals around, smashing their heads, choking them to death, throwing rocks at them. Mice, shrews, birds, baby rabbits, every living thing a boy his age could find in the woods near his house, and kill easily. He would watch with cruel but childlish glee the last light leaving their eyes. And the kid was terrible : he couldn't stop bringing his trophies home, hiding them from his father under me, like a cat would. When the poor bodies would begin to rot, Roose would find them and scold the remorseless child. I had to endure the smell for months ! His dad then decided to teach him how to hunt properly and how to treat a prey after its death, in order to stop this from happening. It could have make things better, but it was only the beginning of my misadventures ! Ramsay developed the annoying habit of skinning the animals on the mattress, not minding the blood staining it forever. Hopefully, Roose would reprimand him everytime, and would also command new mattresses. The kid also learned how to throw knives, or how to use a bow. If he usually trained in the forest or in the garden, he also used his blades or arrows in his bedroom when he was pissed, and it would often damage me. I still have scars today. It's not a pleasing sight. 

Ramsay grew up. He became a stinking bully of a teenager, with poor hygiene, whose snores were almost unbearable. And he couldn't stop drooling on the sheets ! Can you imagine ?? I had to endure the first, awkward masturbating sessions, and the following ones, forced to listen to the disgusting noises he would make, the sick words he would whisper. And god, there are things I wish I hadn't heard ! I also witnessed his first attempts to make love correctly, but I don't really want to say any details about that... It's still difficult for me to remember those. (Myranda having her period next to him, and Ramsay being aroused by the blood was kind of funny though, despite all the blood soiling me again.) But I considered myself lucky: most of the time, he dealt with his girlfriends/preys in the basement, or in the dirty room of a club. 

Of course, he was an adult when the ultimate tragedy happened. Theon ! Theon was kicked out of his house by his father and had no choice but to live in Ramsay's "mansion" (that's how the stupid slut like to call our house.)   
And now Ramsay's boyfriend lives with us everyday, he sleeps here every bloody night; and they have an incredible libido ! They can't stop fucking, and they are so rough I feel like I am fucking too (with the wall, that is). The sheets are often torn or stained by any horrible fluid of the human body, especially come and blood, and I have new bruises every time they go at it. The chains or the ropes they use eat away the wood of my structure. Theon fingernails regularly sink into it as well. It's realling painful. The boy (he is too ignorant and irresponsible to be called an adult) is also really loud, I can't rest properly, even when they are fucking elsewhere. I don't know how Roose can bare them !   
Oh and Theon likes baking breakfast to bring it to Ramsay...in bed ! That's the most stupid idea ever, because Ramsay is a messy eater, and I hate how itchy the crumbs remaining on the mattress are. Fucking. Stupid. 

That's it. That's how it is, being the bed of Ramsay Bolton.   
And this is a cry for HELP.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THE LOCKDOWN IS MAKING ME WRITE STUPID SHIT HELP ME.


	8. Fever

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chapter eight : Ramsay and Theon are sick, but if you think that would stop them from fucking, you're wrong.

-Theon, please, come closer...  
-You're too hot, I'll burn.   
-I know I'm fit but-  
-Shut up, you know what I am talking about.   
-It's not my fault I have a fever !   
-Well it's still your fault I've become sick. I told you not to kiss me !   
-You spend your days wearing underpants or lingery, how could I fucking resist you?   
-You're the best at victim-blaming, Rams.   
-Victim-blaming ? Are you serious ? Do you think I didn't notice the way you were staring at my lips or how you melted into the kisses ? YOU are the best at playing the innocent victim, but you're just a slut.   
-Well, maybe you aren't wrong. I did want you to kiss me, but you shouldn't have. Now, I am sick. And it's your fault.   
-Aw look at who is victim-blaming me now ! Are you blaming me for getting sick ?   
-Oh god shut up. You're already getting on my nerves.   
-Is there even a moment when I am not a pain in the ass for you ?   
-The answer is : No.  
-Good to know.   
-I wasn't finish. The answer is no, because when you're not annoying, you're fucking me. So yes. You're always a pain in the ass.   
-You're fucking dumb Theon.   
-I love you too.   
-Come on, baby, please come closer.   
-Ok, ok, you win.   
-Theon why are you laughi-AAH ! Stop tickling me, I HATE this !!   
-Heee don't smack me shithead ! I am siiick.   
-I am sick too, s stop it !   
-Mow, Ramsay is vulneraaable, he doesn't like being tickle !  
-Last warning, Greyjoy, I- fuuuuck ! Very well, you choose death !  
-Hmmmf aaah d-don't bite me like that I, I- aah ! Death feels very good...  
-It's not supposed to. You're weird.   
-You know I like being bitten, Raaam. You did it on purpose ! Ah, not again stooop !   
-You don't sound really convincing, darling.   
-I it's because your lips are flaming hot, it's so...so...good.   
-Oh poor little Theon, he is losing his words...  
-Prick.   
-Is my tongue flaming hot too ?   
-Y yeees ! Your hands are as well...hmmm.. what ?? Stop laughing Ramsay !   
-No. It's amusing how easy you submit to me.   
-I don't !  
-Don't deny it, Theon.   
-Raaaam...  
-Why are you blushing ? Awww poor, proud little sweetling.   
-Why can't y- hiii Ramsay !! Warn me next time ! The lube is fucking cold !   
-Don't worry it won't last, dumbass.   
-Shiiit. I really feel like I'm melting Ramsay... w we shouldn't do thiiis...!  
-But you like it so much. You wouldn't dare ask me to stop.   
-N-no I wouldn't. Please, Ram, I need you.   
-Speak louder I can't hear you slut.   
-Please Ram I need you ! Come on fuck me !!!   
-I know you'd ask.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so sad to close Our Stupid Fucks today, it's been a long, funny and interesting journey of crack, but hey everything has to end. I need time to work on other thramsay projects. Bye I love you all and thank you so much for all the love.

**Author's Note:**

> So what did you think ? There is a lot more to come, so I hope you enjoy crack ! Have a good day, and see you soon for another chapter and a new fanfiction !  
Kudos and comments are my favorite food !  
Goodbye.


End file.
